Two nights, two days, sailing the calm waters off the coast of Vietnam. what could possibly go wrong?
A visit to Vietnam's north is not complete without a boat trip to Ha long bay. Ha noi is the launching pad for numerous travel agencies who supply excursions, accommodation and activities to this natural wonder of the world and proud UNESCO world heritage site for the Vietnamese people. Who certainly know a thing or two when it comes to squeezing as much money as possible from unsuspecting tourists. Having travelled to Ha long bay previously, I knew what to expect in terms of haggling and the back and forth tussle you have to endure to get a good deal. And even after that you are never quite sure what you've signed up for. But, that's all part of the fun in Vietnam, and you just have to learn to go with the flow.
Which is happily what we did, and after a bumpy four-hour bus journey, we arrived at what would be our floating home for the next two nights. There is no denying that Ha long bay is dramatically beautiful. Nine thousand flora-covered limestone karsts claw their way out of the ocean twisting and turning through am archipelago of larger islands. The whole area looks like a series of giant spiked serpants or Vietnamese 'loch ness monsters' poking their arched backs towards the sky. There is possibly nowhere else like it on Earth, and its scenery is certainly very special.
Our fellow crew mates for our voyage consisted of an Australian, two Welsh, a Scot, a Brit, a Turkish couple, a Pole and a Ukrainian, three malay girls and a guy from Antigua who kept being pulled over by officials because they had never heard of his country and were suspicious he had a fake passport. At one point he even had to open google maps to prove this Caribbean island actually existed!
Soon, we were on our way, making friends and weaving through the rock formations, and trying to dodge the HUNDREDS of other boats who were sharing our idyllic excursion. Our first port of call were the 'magnificent caves', subtly named for their um, magnificence. And impressive they were, except that all the boats deposit all their passengers at the entrance at the same time. Suddenly, we were sharing this magical wonder with 5000 other people, following each other like a long snake through its subterranean home. Everyone was vying for the best view, jostling for camera space and looking out for well-known stalactites that vaguely resembled phallic appendages. I have never heard so many people ask the same question that most 7-year-olds could answer with confidence - 'so what's the difference between stalactites and stalagmites?' (come on people!), and so unfortunately the experience was marred a little. But! onwards and out of the cave and back onto the boat for an evening of fine food and revellry... Ais and I decided to decline the opportunity to take a swim at a 'hidden beach', which from the reports of our fellow shipmates, was a cordoned off area of brown water next to a building site (bummed to have missed out...). Instead, we opted to stay on board, as we desperately needed to plan the Laos leg of our journey.
View from the 'Magnificent Cave!'
Dinner was certainly delicious, the people were grand and we were treated to a bizarre event involving a birthday cake, a happy hardcore version of the song, happy birthday - on repeat... (my ears, my ears) and free red wine that actually was vinegar. After the celebrations our crew were keen for us to get out the ship's karaoke system and 'party til dawn...' Thankfully none of the guests were like-minded, instead choosing to sit on the top deck, drinking beers and watching the fairy lights twinkle back at us from the other ships, all surrounded by karsts looming at us under the cover of darkness. Unfortunately, bad karaoke did boom at us from the other ships. Bill Murray in 'Lost in Translation' it was not, but it still gave us plenty of entertainment for the evening...
The next day we were up early and ready for our day's activities. Because we had booked two nights on the boat we were able to leave our bags in our cabin and join a smaller boat which would take us off for a day's kayaking. We sat down to breakfast opposite the Polish and Ukrainian couple who we had yet to speak to. After the pleasantries were over with, the conversation turned to food (as it invariably does) and we enquired about their favourite Vietnamese dish so far. Now, if you could please imagine the thickest European accent you can think of for the following, the conversation went a little like this:
"So, what has been your favourite dish so far?"
"Oh no, we hate ze Vietnamese food. It's disgusting. So many noodles and strange vegetables and nothing is fresh. I mean, what kind of nation eats noodles for breakfast?"
"Oh, that's a shame. We really like it. How can you say it's not fresh when everything is made on the street in front of you?"
"No, it iz horrible. In Poland, we have the finest food.
Biting tongue, biting tongue, trying to be really good and not say anything, as I sat there quietly open-mouthed in disbelief.
"Ve used to live in the UK. The food there is shit too. We had to move back to Poland because we couldn't find fresh food to eat. The food in Poland is by far ze best."
Red. Rag. To a. Bull. Now, we all know I may have a tiny problem when it comes to speaking my mind; and I tried, really I did, but I just couldn't keep it in.
"Funny that, I always thought Polish food was just cabbage, potatoes and borscht, with a bit of dried meat on the side".
That shut her up, although she did respond with "yes, but the cabbage is the finest in the world."
Lucy 1, narrow-minded polish woman 0.
Thankfully, they were heading back to port, so we were spared any more awkward moments. We said our farewells to our friends from the previous night and headed towards our kayaking destination... Which was lovely, and a great way to while away a few hours, floating between karsts, through caves and around hidden lakes, plopping in the water every now and again to cool off. Although it was probably slightly less fun for Ais who had an uncoordinated Lucy in the front and had to do all the steering, otherwise we would never have got anywhere! At one point we got stuck in some overhanging trees, and it took us 20 minutes to break free. Whoops....
We arrived back to the boat just in time for a couple of leaps off the top deck into the water before lunch. Afterwards, the plan was to sail to a traditional floating village before spending another night lolling around on the water. Just as we arrived to the village, the boat made a sudden about turn and headed in the other direction. With increasingly confused looks on our faces our guide proceeded to tell us that a typhoon was on its way and all boats had to return to port. As we looked out the windows at what-seemed to be extremely calm waters, we weren't quite sure he was speaking the truth. But, he informed us, everything would be ok because we could stay in one of their 'luxury' hotels on Cat Ba island - the biggest land mass in the archipelago instead of having to go back to Ha long itself. There was only one problem, our luggage was still in a cabin that was now destined for the mainland. And not just our clothes. EVERYTHING, from our passports, to my camera, our phones, money, Ais's iPad etc, basically everything we had been clinging on to ever since we embarked on our journey. They are just not the sort of things you can take on a kayaking trip! Not only that, we hadn't packed our bags so our cabin was strewn with clothes, wash bags, chargers, small kittens etc. Our guide assured us that someone would go in, pack up our things and deliver them to us halfway between our current position and our destination. Now, this was fine, but if anything was left behind our chances of recovering it were pretty small. In addition, our electronics, as all electronics are, are fairly fragile and wouldn't survive being casually thrown from boat to boat. As we tried to get this across to our guide, his English suddenly went downhill and he all of a sudden couldn't understand what we were saying. We decided to risk it, but it was a tense two hours waiting for our stuff to arrive on a tiny boat. Would everything be there? Would it be intact? Of course, it was fine, but there were a few frantic minutes of checking everything once our bags arrived to ensure nothing had been broken or forgotten.
So, on to Cat Ba island we sailed, still in very millpond-esque waters and on to our not-so grand hotel. The evening was fine and we were taken to a bar where drinks were free for women (not sexist, or encouraging promiscuous behavior at all!), and where you could choose your own YouTube videos to play on a large screen. It was fun, but not the tranquility we were hoping for from a second night on the boat.
The next day we were up and headed back to the mainland where we would catch the bus back to Ha noi. As we filed into a restaurant and were told to wait, while 300 women tried to sell us postcards and hammocks that wouldn't sustain the weight of a three-year-old, we got a sneaky suspicion something was up. Turns out a typhoon did hit Hoi an, further down the coast, and was responsible for severe flooding that displaced thousands of people and a plane crash in the Laos jungle. The tour companies knew this and that, as a result, all boat trips from Ha long were suspended for another day, yet the tour companies still merrily brought people down, all the way from Ha noi, only to tell them their trip was cancelled, give them lunch and drive them all the way back again! And because the buses were full with the people they were taking back there was no way for us to get home. So, it was a very long six hours sat on the roadside waiting for the bus to come back to get us. The guides magically vanished in order to avoid getting hassled from increasingly grumpy tourists and I swear at one point, someone chased a guide down the road waving his fist in the air...
Still, make it home we did, and at least we got to spend two nights in Ha long bay instead of sitting on a bus for eight hours and seeing nothing at all. You have to look at the positives!
After a few more nights in Ha noi it was time to embark on our longest bus trip yet - 30 hours from Ha noi, via Hue and over the border into Laos and on to Luang Prabang.
Laters Vietnam!
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